Stacie Sherman

I had my ex-husband and his wife over the other night for wine, beer and charcuterie.

This doesn’t happen often. In fact, it was the first time. But it was needed and healing. And a bit unreal. Our anxious adult son, who was working at the time, kept texting my ex to ask if everything was OK. So we sent him the attached photo.

Divorce is tough. It was really tough when we split in 2005 after seven years of marriage. Our kids were 4 and 5. My then-estranged husband moved to the next state and reconciled with his high school sweetheart.

That’s her in the photo. She’s a sweet person, a teacher who’s really good with my kids. They were married in 2006, not long after our divorce was final.

For many years my ex and I barely talked. But now we text regularly and talk every so often when things come up with the kids.

That’s how divorce should be. But it’s often not.

I think back to the day we decided to divorce. It was after yet another awful argument. Amid the screaming, my sad and scared little boy came up to me in the kitchen and hugged me. It was right then that I knew the marriage could not be healed, and that for the sake of my kids, we needed to end it. I did not want them growing up in that kind of household.

Divorce often happens because the spouses decide they don’t want their kids around toxicity. And yet, in many cases, that toxicity continues long after the divorce is final.

It’s not easy to let the anger go. My ex and I both had a lot of anger, with good reason. We both made awful mistakes, hurt each other in unacceptable ways.

Post divorce, my main source of anger was the fact that my ex moved 90 minutes from me and his children. I was left largely alone to raise our special kids.

My ex and I sold our single-family home when we divorced to pay off our debts. I moved myself and the kids into a second-floor condo that was far smaller than what they were used to. They were not happy. My daughter’s meltdowns and middle-of-the-night waking increased. It was a sucky time as I adjusted to life as a single mom.

We survived. And along the way I met my now-husband, who is my best friend and a gift from God.

I don’t really like the phrase, “Everything happens for a reason.” I’ve had too much hurt and despair in my life to believe that there’s some predestined plan for all of it. But I do believe my ex and I were meant to be with our current spouses. And that our children are so much better this way than they would have been had we stayed together.

I asked my ex and his wife to come over so we could talk about the kids and their future. I am my daughter’s sole legal guardian, and I have made a lot of decisions in recent months with regard to her, and I thought he should at least know. And I wanted to hear his response and answer any questions he had.

Also, I wanted to talk more about my son and his future. My son had been living with my ex for a few years now, and I wanted to hear more about how my son was doing there and what his future would look like.

So we talked, with our caring spouses chiming in from time to time. And about two hours later, by the end of our talk, I think we had a better understanding of each other and our thinking.

I’ll admit, I got teary a few times. Not because anything mean was said. Quite the opposite. My ex wanted me to know how much he thought of my parenting. He wanted me to know he understood how much I had on my shoulders, that he appreciated me taking it all on, and that he would support any decisions I made. I came away from the meeting with a list of things to do and another list of things he agreed to do. Yes, my list is longer, but I’m just grateful it’s a little shorter than it was the day before.

As they got up to go, I met my ex halfway and he pulled me in for a hug. “I’m sorry,” he said and hugged me a little harder. The tears returned. I don’t know what exactly he was sorry for, but I appreciated it nonetheless.

Letting go of anger is a choice. Holding onto it is a burden, for everyone involved.

My ex and I are forever bound by the most important thing in our lives: our children. If we are going to put them first, as we should, then being cordial is crucial. They both react to anger and sadness. And they both react to happiness and laughter. I want their lives to be filled with happiness and laughter. So I choose to cherish what I have and not hold onto feelings that don’t really matter any more.

What’s the moral of this story?

Let it go.

Stop wasting your time on the past. Let the anger go and redirect that energy toward all the positive in your life.

Trust me.