I heard “Easy Silence,” a Dixie Chicks song, the other day in the car and I thought of my baby. She’s been away this week at her dad’s house. She loves the Dixie Chicks. As I listened to the words, I thought about that phrase Easy Silence, and I thought about how there’s no such thing in my world. I live my life with a lot of silence, none of it easy. I spend a lot of my day having conversations with a beautiful girl who can’t speak back. That is an uneasy silence. Even all these years after her diagnoses, I long for her to break that silence with words. Not sounds, not cries or screams, words. 
And even when she is not here, it’s an uneasy silence. I know I’m supposed to take this time to heal a little bit, to bond a little bit with my son and my husband, and I’m doing so. But I can’t help but miss my girl. As quiet as it is, it’s no easy silence without her here. Is she happy without me? Does she miss me? Does she need me? Is she confused why she isn’t here? Or happy she’s not here? Perhaps I just won’t let myself enjoy life without her here. I’m doing my best, catching up on my sleep. But the silence is anything but easy.
I did something a little strange. With a little bit of help from my hubs, I rewrote the Dixie Chicks songs to apply to us. I attached a link to the Dixie Chicks video. Here is the new and (far from) improved version: “No Easy Silence”
When the cries and evening meltdowns
Accidents and midnight wakings
Black and blues and endless screaming
Paralyze my mind
Missed another get-together
Crying as I drive you home
And everyone is talking
And I come to find no refuge in no
Easy silence that you make for me
It’s okay when there’s nothing you can say to me
There’s no peaceful quiet you create for me
Just the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
Home feels like a barricade
A warning they should back away
We form a barrier trying to find
A way for me to pacify
And anger plays on every station
Answers only make more questions
I need something to believe in
But I have no sanctuary with no
Easy silence that you make for me
It’s okay when there’s nothing you can say to me
There’s no peaceful quiet you create for me
Just the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
Children lose their youth too soon
Autism made us immune
And you’ve got all the words to lose
But I just have to pray to god for
Easy silence you can make for me
It’s okay when there’s nothing you can say to me
There’s no peaceful quiet you create for me
Just the way you keep the world at bay for me
Easy silence that I wish for me
It’s okay when there’s nothing you can say to me
There’s no peaceful quiet you create for me
Just the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay
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