Stacie Sherman

Well, we made it to the end of April. I almost did a post a day. I had the best of intentions, but the past few days got away from me.

And my kids were away the past few days! I should have had plenty of time to write. But this past weekend was filled with stuff.

While my kids were at their dad’s house, I was out to dinner with good friends on Friday. Then Saturday I exercised, worked a little, got a manicure and a pedicure, did some shopping and then that night we went to a beautiful family bat mitzvah. Sunday was working off all my Saturday night eating, then food shopping, laundry, cooking for the week, cleaning, and then my kids were back to me that afternoon.

I chose not to bring my kids to this family event. Some disagreed with me. But I don’t and can’t expect them to understand. I’m the only one in my family with special needs kids. And the only one who is divorced from their kids’ father.

My kids don’t get to see their dad as much as I think they should. He lives more than an hour away with his second family. He takes them every other weekend. I really hate to take them from him on those weekends. We had to switch some stuff around in April because he had something on one of his kid weekends, and I didn’t want my kids to go three weeks without spending time with him. Regardless of any bad blood between us, he is their father, he loves them, they love him and they need time with him.

But if I’m being really honest, that’s not the only reason. I love my daughter with all my heart. I bring her everywhere I can — shopping, to restaurants, to friends’ houses, to bar and bat mitzvahs. It’s hit or miss with her. If it’s miss, we have to leave early.

This event this past weekend, was a big one. A very close family member, at a very nice place, at a relatively late starting hour as far as my daughter is concerned. My gut told me she wouldn’t last long at all. She would love the food, the dancing, her family, the music. But she would hate the crowds, hate the dress up clothes, and it would be a miracle if she listed a couple of hours.

My son, on the other hand, would have loved it. But he also adores his dad, and counts the days till he gets to spend quality time with him.

And then there’s me. I wanted to sit, relax. Not stress out. I wanted to be able to sit through the whole service. I wanted to be able to have an adult conversation with family members I haven’t seen in a while, without having to jump up mid-sentence to run after my daughter or take her to the bathroom. And I wanted to have a fancy night out with my husband.

We have a lot of wonderful family events this year. Holiday gatherings, weddings. Going to each and every one takes a ton of thought and planning. I stress over each decision. Ask my poor husband. I change my mind dozens of times. Do I bring her, do I leave her home? Do I hire a caregiver to come with me? Or do I pay for an overnight babysitter? Do I bring her favorite foods so I know she will have something she knows and likes to eat, or do I chance it? Should I put her on a plane? How will she be with a two-hour car ride?

Each and every time, I come close to a nervous breakdown. And then when ive he a good cry, I just take a few deep breaths and make the best decision I can.

Before I close out April, I want to thank each and every one of you for reading each and every one of my posts. Writing daily has been tough, and emotionally exhausting, but so, so worth it.

The response has been overwhelming. I have heard from high school friends I haven’t seen in decades, family members who had no idea, fellow autism mamas who thanked me for speaking my truth and putting it all out there. I hope I have made you more aware, more tolerant, more accepting of people who are different in this world.

I promise to continue. Posts will not come daily, no way in hell! But they will be more than every few months. I know I am meant to be writing from my heart, about my heart. Writing gives me — and them — a voice.