I love quality time with my kids. Just as much, I love quality time without them.
That doesn’t make me a bad mom. It makes me a better mom.
My kids spend every other weekend with their father in the adjacent state where he lives with his second wife and their daughter. Back home, I try to relax, catch up on sleep and spend some quality time with my (second and last) husband.
Even on my weekends with the kids, I hire a caretaker to spend at least a few hours each day with my daughter. While she’s out having fun with her very energetic babysitter, I’m getting my nails done, doing laundry, exercising, cleaning, and/or spending some one-on-one time with my son.
It took me a long time to be this proudly selfish. When I was first divorced back in 2006, my time was divided between my full-time job and my kids. When they weren’t home, I hated being in the house alone. It was so quiet, so lonely. So I started filling those weekends with an exhausting schedule of exercise, errands and awful dates.
Then I met and eventually married the love of my life, my best friend. We both work full time, he sometimes travels for his job. I have my two special teenage kiddies, he has four typical ones ranging in age from 15 to 25. Oh yeah, we have a dog, too.
Our lives are chaotic, to say the least. Our desire to spend quality time together competes with our kids’ needs, our jobs, our chores and other commitments. During the week, I’m at my job all day and then at night I’m caring for my daughter, helping my son with his homework, trying to cook and clean and failing to sit down.
We become like two ships passing in the night, until we miss each other so much and carve out time to spend together.
I also carve out time for myself. When you have a child with autism, the best thing you can do for them is take care of yourself. It’s important for the day-to-day living, but it’s also important for the future. My kids need me to live a long life. That’s why I pop vitamins, try to eat healthy and exercise and abstain from bad habits. (I do have my vices — vodka is my other best friend on kid-less Friday nights).
And when my kids return from their weekends away, or my daughter comes back from spending a few hours with her babysitter, I am recharged and refreshed. I am more patient, less stressed, and a better mom.
I’m happier when my house is clean, when my errands are complete. I’m happy when my nails are manicured, when my hair isn’t disgusting, when I’m able to exercise. And shower!
And I’m happier when I feel close to my husband. He’s a pretty awesome guy, and he doesn’t get half the attention he deserves from me. There are times I’m driving to work and my mind drifts and I start thinking about him and missing him so much my heart hurts.
We like to have things to look forward to — plans with friends, vacations. And then there’s the little things that keep us close. The “I love you” and TOY (thinking of you) texts he sends me. The occasional hand-holding. Our date nights, captured via ridiculous and mushy selfies. Just now, as we work, he texted me a video of a Zac Brown song that he says makes him think of me.
A verse: “She got a gentle way that puts me at ease. When she walks in the room I can hardly breathe. Got a devastating smile knock a grown man to his knees. She’s got whatever it is.”
He melts me.
Counting the days till my next date night.
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